At the age of 9, the year I was homeschooled for too many incidents of getting beat up in the girls bathroom, I was convinced that I was a boy. There was no way I could relate to other girls —they were divisive, and only cared about their looks or the latest boy band. I felt sick to my stomach when they’d tell me tales about getting their first bra. It made no sense to me. I could do more pull-ups than any boy in class, and rather enjoyed playing in the garden; getting dirty, sweaty, and pretending that I was a dinosaur in the Cretaceous period. A few years passed, and I got my own period. That was when I realized that wearing those stuffy, hot, uncomfortable menstrual pads didn’t fit so well in a pair of jeans. Skirts allowed for my cunt to breathe. Plus, I rather enjoyed when I’d get a little blood on my seat in art class. Menstruation was a dream come true.
By the time I had reached high school, boys were utterly confused by my existence —in fact, I almost didn’t exist. All my guy friends were getting crushes on other girls, ya know, the pretty ones. Tumbling around in the field and playing soccer with the boys were things I still wanted to partake in, but it wasn’t gonna happen – alas, we weren’t kids anymore. When I turned 17 I had chopped off my long brown hair, thrown away my bras, and began cutting up my girly clothing and wearing those fragments as multi-layered outfits that I’d sewn into some boys clothing. Soon enough, I dropped out of high school, shaved my head, and found a lovely tribe of unfortunates who were just like me: masculine girls and feminine boys. But until this miracle occurred, my encounters with my peers were few and far in between -like when I fell down the stairs on my way to class and someone threw an empty soda can at my head…or when that one barbie girl spit onto my hairy legs. Those were the good old days. I never desired ruby red lips or smooth virgin-like shaved limbs. Who has time for all that wretched hair removal anyways? Yet, I was getting kinda worried…
Was it time for me to become a girl? Would people like me better then?
Despite all the fun and games back then, I was never convinced that becoming a girl, gender-wise, was the best decision to make —Fuck these kids. I’ll just be a little bit of both, it’s more fun that way. In the 90’s, hormones and gender reassignment surgeries weren’t exactly an option. And I do have to admit, I am relieved —I love my tits, and enjoy menstruation, even into my 30’s. I get a rush when I put on my masculine garb and tape back my breasts, yet if I’m on my period I let everything hang out. One of my greatest fetishes is bleeding all over my swimming trunks for boys from the late 80’s. And as the years have proceeded to provide me with new insights on gender, I find myself having conversations on the topic with other fine specimens; tomboys, dykes, daddys, lesbians, bisexuals, asexuals, trans angels, and all sorts of queer heteros. We all had identity markers as kids, but who became our new role models? I decided to do some research back at home. And what better way to understand the self, then by first re-visiting the past?
I began my journey by going through a box of old remnants I’d kept as a young one -can you believe I still have all this crap? Let’s see, rusted bottle caps, boys underwear, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics, a sealed up hot pink lipstick…hmm. Ooo what’s this? A VHS copy of The Neverending Story. Atreyu, the main character, was a very feminine boy. In fact, I thought he was a girl for years. I recall asking my 9 year old self, “Why does she get to run around with her shirt unbuttoned? Why does she get to climb mountains and fall into the mud, visit rock monsters, and ride a dragon…?” Of course by the time I was in high school, I realized that Falcor was just a big puppet, and Atreyu was actually a boy. Which was okay with me.
This leads me to the reason for choosing the following books to revisit and interrogate for the first time. These are the source materials which granted me permission to keep asking questions, which gave me a sense of purpose as a blossoming tomboy. Stories that allowed me to feel less alone in a world that I, to this day, still can’t always relate to.
Gilbert Herdt – Third Sex, Third Gender: Beyond Sexual Dimorphism in Culture and History – 486 pages of gender bliss. This book covers topics such as adolescent male prostitutes, and explores mutual masturbation techniques, Polynesian gender liminality, and FTM & MTF true life stories. The text explains further the realm of androgyny, discussing ancient and modern embodiments of Western gender paradigms, changes in the transgender communities, challenges for women athletes, and wholly transcends alternate somatic models of feminine fragility and ultimately, feminine strengths. A mandatory read.
George Platt Lynes – Photographs 1931—1955 – Growing up alongside Bisexuals, Tomboys and Gay men, I was intrigued to explore the more sensual and delicate side of the male body, and the rough edges of the female body, and this is so important. For hundreds of years we’ve shoved both sexes into boring and absurd categories. The men, expected to be the bread-winner, the stone-face, and the construction worker. I mean sure, do what you gotta do to survive. Dig a little hole, build some walls. But don’t forget that men want to feel nurtured and adored for their intuitive side the same way that women do. Regardless, this book changed my life. The men are sensual, and the women are frumpy. These images were first exhibited in the 30’s, where Platt Lynes shared the walls of Julien Levy’s NY Gallery with others, the surrealists: Man Ray, Moholy-Magy, and Max Ernst. Captivating and self indulgent portraits of Jonathan Tichenor slumped against faded backdrops compliment images of sultry nude men amidst shadows and mirrors, often dressed as erotic mythological creatures. You are in for a treat with this body of work.
CJ Jung – Aspects of the Masculine – Intimate case studies, references to archetypes, dreams, and thoughts on the origin of the ‘Hero’. I decided to start with Chapter IV “Logos and Eros; Sol and Luna. The Personification of the Opposites. The Moon Nature.” I believe that this line reveals so much about the book in it’s entirety; “…the common occurrence(s) of a psychically predominate contrasexuality…wherever this exists we find a forcible intrusion of the unconscious, a corresponding exclusion of the consciousness specific to either sex…this inversion of roles is probably the chief psychological source for the alchemical concept of the hermaphrodite.” These are indeed intellectual, spiritual, and scientific findings. In Chapter V we encounter “The Masculine in Women”, where Jung discusses the anima into woman and the animus into man.
I have interpreted this to proclaim that no matter which gender we choose to imitate, or which gender we choose to identify with – men possess a feminine force, the same way that women possess a masculine soul. There are of course arguable insights to be had with this sort of research, and that’s why it’s taken me a few years to get through this book. If, for that reason, you hesitate to go this route with your gender studies, don’t forget that some of the best things in life are worth that extra effort.
“Mercurius —the place where he lies confined is not just any place but a very essential one-namely, under the oak, the king of the forest. In psychological terms, this means that the evil spirit is imprisoned in the roots of the self, as the secret hidden in the principle of individuation. He is not identical with the tree, nor with its roots, but has been put there by artificial means. The fairytale gives us no reason to think that the oak, which represents the self, has grown out of the spirit in the bottle; we may rather conjecture that the oak presented a suitable place for concealing a secret —” The Connection Between Spirit And Tree (pgs 155-57). From Aspects Of The Masculine; the collected works of CG Jung: Volumes 4, 5, 8, 7, 9, 10, 13, 14. Between the years of 1929-1977. Translated by RFC Hull.
James Baldwin – Giovanni’s Room – “There opened in me a hatred for Giovanni which was as powerful as my love and which was nourished by the same roots...His touch could never fail to make me feel desire; yet his hot, sweet breath also made me want to vomit.” The unpredictable aspects of desire is presented through an ambiguous story, one impenetrable. Baldwin’s enigmatic prose is both nourishing and unpredictable. David is our narrator, and entrapped by regret he repents for his sins. Yet with vivid evocations, he becomes an observer of intimacy, delivering a terror, a wisdom, a humble characterization not yet exposed to an audience of the 1950’s. At the age of 32, Baldwin completed one of his most outspoken autobiographical pieces that has yet to disappear from view. Giovanni’s Room is not to remain solely a testament of sexual rites and disparities, it is also a dramatized crisis at the helm of self delusion and highlights the importance of the art of seduction. James Baldwin’s work has always dealt with the euphoric state of love and exile. The story follows the path of David, an American man exploring his sexual relationships with men, and women, while residing in Paris. David, our narrator, describes unsparingly his observations and confesses to the reader a message which is so honest that it is difficult to return to your own life after your first sitting. A story about bisexuality, while further addressing the manner of how desire barges its way into our lives, promising a new identity.
Will Self – Cock and Bull – This tale is an unusual one, and brings to life one of my biggest fantasies. I can recall Chapter 8 being the segment which I had waking-dreams about for weeks, “The Icing Gun” : “Dan’s sexual feelings had never been anything but intensely vulnerable, childlike and sentimental. The fabled coupling when he had accidentally sandpaper-stroked Carol into orgasm had almost scared the life out of him.” What’s so intriguing about this story is that you are given access to a fascinating new world; where girls grow a boy’s pleasure stick, and boys develop a woman’s sacred cavern. Finally, equality amongst the sexes.
Beth A. Firestein (editor) – Becoming Visible: Counseling Bisexuals Across the Lifespan – I’ve come to believe that insights surrounding bisexual identities are somewhat ignored, culturally. During the Stonewall Riots of 69’, gender variance had just begun to pierce the social sphere, rendering our expectations of love and relationships into a totally new light. Not only does Firestein comment on western gender ideologies, she also explores the roles of queer people in the Middle East and Latin America. There are some vital chapters in this book, such as “Race and Ethnic Minority Status as Cultural Factors affecting Bisexuals, and Sexism and Heterosexism”. These gender wars have such a vast and complicated timeline, how can we not do as much research as possible? I would love a revised edition, as this one was published in 2007. So much has changed over the last ten years.
Cari Beauchamp –Without Lying Down: Frances Marion and the Powerful Women of Early Hollywood – This is a highly political work which follows the history and impact of the original feminist movement. What led me to this book initially was a quote I’d found by Marion, where she talks about the novel she wrote to warn women, using storytelling and self-deprecating humor, that the entertainment industry was a big trap for the ladies. Marion referred to her book The Rise and Fall of Minnie Flynn (considered her lost novel of the 1920’s) as more of a propaganda piece.
Judith Halberstam – Female Masculinity – The chapter I departed from in this case was Chapter 6 – A Rough Guide to Butches on Film. What’s wonderful about this segment is that you are given an insight into a very specific history. In the chapter titled “The Androgyne, the Tribade, the Female Husband”, Halberstam reveals to the reader specific sexual practices associated with each social category of the “woman”. On page 200, Halberstam discusses films such as Caged (1950), which was directed by John Cromwell. It’s here where we explore two types of lady prisoners in film: “The innocent femme who needs to toughen up and the predatory butch who will either protect the femme or take advantage of her.” Everyone loves role playing, right?
Looking back on where I initially got started in my gender studies, I’ve realized that although the Gender & Sex section of my bookshelves are getting crowded, I still have so much to dive into. I started at such a young age too —what a strange time that was; when Y2K was just a broken theory, I still thought I was a boy, and 9/11 had instilled all of that fear into our spirits. To the lot of us born in the 80s we had only dreamt of the bright future which is ever so recently collapsing before our tired eyes.
Gender roles have transformed over the last twenty years, and I have to say that these books helped me to embrace the boy that I am inside. I always say, why pick one side? Enjoy the best of both genders. I know, a longer discussion than what we have time for is at hand. And okay, I didn’t get into losing my virginity. Was it with a girl, or a boy? Well I didn’t lose it ‘til I was in my 20’s. So that’s a whole other story that I’ll save for later…